#12 I´m tired

This week's post will be very different from anything I have published. This week I have no novel realizations, no fresh perspectives, no groundbreaking discoveries. No advice, no wisdom, no life lessons. This week, I have nothing but raw emotions to offer.

I am tired

My heart feels heavy, my head shuts down. I'm tired, and it's only 9 am. That's unusual for me. I know myself, and I know my body. I rest enough, and I get enough sleep. I eat well. I spend time in nature, and I exercise. Things are going well. Really well. So it seems.

I know myself. When I feel this way, when I am tired for no reason, something is wrong. Something has to change. Something will change. Something is changing.

I am tired of the winds

I've had enough of choppy surf. I'm done with bumpy rides. Strong winds mess the waves up. I know I am impatient and spoiled, and a lousy surf-day in Bali would still be an amazing day in many other places. But I don't care. I miss the feeling of awe when mother nature’s beauty overwhelms me. Standing on the shore, watching the waves rolling in, breaking smoothly and cleanly on a glassy sea. It's breathtaking. I miss it.

Wind, the invisible force. Symbol of change and freedom and a symbol of destruction and chaos. Lately, I’ve seen too much destruction around me. I'm tired of it.

I am done with crowds

I am exasperated by the seemingly unending need for selfies. I am disturbed by the way people behave in public. I am sick and tired of loud bikes and fake boobs. It saddens me to witness that a big bike can make a man proud. And I am failing to comprehend that a skinny body can make a woman feel worthy. We are so much more than that.

If you remove a man from the crowd - if you remove his audience - if you remove everything that feeds his ego, see what is left. Individuals are amazing. Crowds are sickening.

It's time to leave the crowd behind.

I am sick of superabundance

How many shops that all sell the same overpriced Almond Latte can exist in one town? As many people are willing to spend money on it. If there’s a market, businesses will arise. Fair enough. And as long as people want more, there will be a market. But you know what? I guarantee you that one day, people will want something that no business in the world can provide.

One day, people will realize that having a workout buddy is much better for staying fit than having Macadamia nuts in their breakfast bowl. One day, they will need a mentor instead of their 1.000$ shoes to walk through difficult times. One day, they will need a friend to talk to instead of slurping their Almond Latte alone. I am bored by people who use opulence to gain recognition. Their future is gloomy. And I don't want to have anything to do with them.

I am exhausted from the noise

My heart and my head argued for too long. I need silence. I need some soundlessness. I don't want to think. I don't want to explain. I don't want to question. I don't seek answers.

Constant overstimulation numbed me. And when this happens, I can't trust myself anymore. I need a break.

So I stopped overthinking for a few days now. And every night, before I go to bed, I can feel my inner voice coming back. Still not strong enough to be heard. And that’s ok. Even if I can't trust my thoughts right now, I trust that I will hear what I need to hear when it's time.

I am tired of being afraid

My need for security is slowing me down. It's holding me back. I don't even know exactly what I am scared of, but I know I'm done with it. It's time to break out, time to break free.

I have been standing still for too long. I have become too comfortable.

When things are going really well - and they do - it’s hard to risk what we have achieved. Especially if you don't know what’s coming next. But nevertheless, since the only constant is change, we must change too. Standing still in life is not stasis but regression. And this is scarier than anything else.

I'm done with being afraid.