#21 Project: Conversations - Part 2

In my previous post, I wrote about how I noticed that I had become more asocial than usual. Determined to change this, I started “Project: Conversations” - a personal challenge to actively seek out social interactions.

But after a discouraging first week where I couldn’t find any inspiring conversations, I began to question myself and the people around me. I knew that I needed to change my strategy. I knew I had to rethink my approach and surroundings.

And let me tell you: It was a total game-changer!

Changing environment

So I left the West Coast, which is known for its bustling party scene, and redirected my focus to the East Coast. It quickly became apparent that not only do nature and landscape differ, but also the people who live there. And consequently, conversations changed immediately.

This observation itself was quite intriguing and supported the idea that human behavior is a product of nature and nurture.

Nature + Nurture

Consider this:

Human Nature + Environment = Behavior

This means everything we see, all social interactions we engage in, and everything we hear ultimately shapes our reactions and how we speak and behave.

This realization strengthened my desire to change my surroundings even more. I understood that the environment in which I was looking for conversation was incompatible with my nature; it simply did not align with who I am.

Once I surrounded myself with a new group of people, conversations drastically changed. It was through this project that I came to the realization that good conversations can only occur when certain key ingredients are present.

With that in mind, here are my key takeaways for discovering inspiring conversations:

1. Similarity

As humans, we find comfort in the familiar, as it provides a sense of security. The things we know and understand are often the easiest for us to grasp; therefore, it’s no surprise that we look for common ground in our interactions with others.

We seek topics that we can agree on and subjects in which we both have similar knowledge and expertise.

I am a morning person. This establishes a certain rhythm and routine for my daily life. This rhythm just doesn’t align with the lifestyle of a night owl. When I go to bed, other people are just beginning their life.

And there is nothing wrong with it.

Living in a town known for its bustling nightlife, I frequently see people still partying when I go to the beach in the morning. Of course, we don’t have much to talk about. We live in different worlds.

However, when I meet individuals who share the same love for nature and early mornings, communication is effortless. And this does not always require words to be spoken or thoughts to be verbally exchanged. In fact, quite often, the opposite is true.

2. Silent signals over noisy facade

Conversations don’t always have to be wordy affairs. Sometimes the beauty lies in a shared moment, where people silently communicate and just enjoy the ride. I’ve been fortunate enough to experience many of these magic moments - during hikes, and trail runs back in Austria and, more recently, while surfing after I moved abroad.

We climb mountains to connect with nature, and we surf waves to feel the energy of the sea. I love these moments so much. And I love to share these moments with people who have the same intentions and are able to enjoy life in silence for the most part.

We constantly communicate, whether we realize it or not. Every move we make, every decision we take, and every action we perform says something about us. Someone may boast about having climbed the highest mountains and being an experienced mountaineer, but the way they carry their backpack can reveal more about them than any story they tell. Somebody can show off their extensive knowledge of high-performance surf gear, but you will see their skill level already the way they paddle out.

As Jay Grimes, a Pilates elder, so accurately and boldly says:

It is important that what we see and hear are in harmony. Sometimes what we observe can reveal more about a situation or a person than what we’re told or read.

Don´t tell me who you are; let me see.

3. Independence

As an introvert, big crowds scare me. The noise, the energy, and the dynamic of big crowds can be overwhelming. And in line with my earlier point on „similarity,“ I feel comfortable in small groups or just with individuals who, like me, prefer space.

When I come across someone who is confidently independent and comfortable being alone, I’m immediately drawn to them. I love the notion of self-reliance in people.

To me, it is a clear indication of inner contentment. It takes a great deal of inner peace and self-assurance to be able to spend prolonged periods in solitude and to do so happily, one must truly enjoy their own company.

I have a deep appreciation for individuals who embody this quality of independence.

In my view, it is crucial for individuals to overcome their personal challenges in their own unique way. However, I also firmly believe that the knowledge, experiences, and lessons of others can serve as a valuable guide to help one navigate their own path. In fact, I believe that we often need to hear the lessons of others to find our own way.

Listening to other people in the recent weeks of my „Project: Conversations“ helped me understand that our life is so uniquely complex that there is no other way than to live our own experiences.

I genuinely believe that each one of us must navigate our own challenges and learn our lessons independently. This does not mean that we are alone in our journey. We will have companions such as partners, friends, and mentors by our side. But ultimately, we must walk the path ourselves.

To be independent means taking responsibility for ourselves and our actions. The stories of the lone wolves out there taught me that if you are a responsible individual - meaning take responsibility for yourself and everything you do - you will be a better partner, friend, and mentor for others.

4. Privacy creates intimacy

“Privacy” has been the most eye-opening revelation from my „Project: Conversations.“

Through weeks of observing and reflecting on my interactions with others, I recognized two distinct categories of conversationalists.

The first group consists of those who, within mere minutes of conversation, share incredibly private details about themselves and their loved ones - even to complete strangers.

The second group, on the other hand, tend to engage in long, open-minded discussions about shared interest and passions without revealing much about their personal lives.

I find myself more drawn to the latter category.

I find it unsettling when strangers begin to complain about their partners and share intimate details. If you have issues with your partner, you should address them with them directly and work together to find a solution. Or talk to an intimate friend to seek advice.

In our modern life, it has become commonplace to share every aspect of our lives with the world, publicly commenting on everything and everyone around us. Certain things should remain private and between only those directly involved.

Privacy creates intimacy. And intimacy creates depth in our relationships.

This process takes time and can’t be rushed.

While I enjoy engaging in interesting and inspiring conversations with many people, I reserve the deepest interactions for those closest to me.

For truly profound insights, it often takes hours upon hours of talking, pausing, reflecting, and discussing - even disagreeing - before finally arriving at new thoughts and perspectives.

These are the conversations I love. These are the ones I am looking for.

These are the ones that let me grow.

My conclusion of „Project: Conversations“

In today’s world, we talk too much without saying anything of substance. We are wasting precious time with empty chatter.

My little project helped me appreciate my personality's asocial side again.

It saves me from having to engage in empty conversations and provides me time to experience real life.

Only speak if you have something valuable to say.

Otherwise, stop talking and start living.