#26 I've changed

This week, I woke up in the middle of the night, thinking, "I've changed." And knowing the dual nature of change, the question was, "for the better or worse"?

Determined to uncover the hidden surprises, I delved deep into introspection and made some interesting discoveries about myself.

Self-perception: as reliable as a fortune cookie?

When confronted with whether I had changed for the better or worse, my immediate response was to believe it had to be for the better. After all, every action I take is driven by the desire to grow and improve. Pilates challenges my body while writing stimulates my mind. I pursue both with passion, convinced that they contribute to my personal growth.

However, the way we see ourselves and the world around us is just a construction of our own sense of self. As a naturally positive thinker, I believe that my efforts must have led to improvement.

But what if I have unknowingly "improved in the wrong direction”?

It was time for a critical examination of myself, and this is where I currently find myself standing:

Once weatherproofed, I now shy away from the cold

Back in Austria, I embraced the cold winters without hesitation. Rain or sunshine, I would put on my running shoes and venture outside. Only when the thermometer dropped below -17 degrees I'd stay inside.

Fast forward to today, when the sea temperature drops below 28 degrees, I'm shivering despite my trusty neoprene jacket. All I can think of is a hot shower.

Our physical bodies possess incredible adaptability. Some changes are immediate; for example, when exposed to extreme cold, our muscles instinctively tremble, generating heat. Other changes can take months, even years.

Having lived in tropical climates for over four years, I've noticed my body adapting, and some of my habits have too. Once a sun worshipper, I now wish for occasional cloudy days. Once weatherproofed, my body now wants to crawl back to bed when the morning temperature drops below 26 degrees.

We change alongside our environment. Therefore, it's crucial to surround ourselves with climates - both literal and metaphorical - that inspire positive transformation.

I think I have.

Once a runner, I stopped running away

In the past, running was a necessity and a fixed constant in my daily life. I'd cover approximately 40-50km every week, and if I couldn't exert myself enough, I'd feel uneasy and off-balance. Having an office job, I easily justified my running obsession as a physical counterbalance to hours spent seated at my desk.

Even back then, I sensed that running held a much deeper meaning for me. I ran because it was the only time I truly felt free. Everyone knew that I would not answer phone calls, read emails, or respond to texts during my jog. Paradoxical as it may sound, running provided relief—a break from the world.

Initially, a 5 km run or perhaps a 7km run was enough to silence my racing thoughts. As I grew fitter, longer distances became necessary to let my physical body hush my brain.

The upside was that I was incredibly fit during that period. I even took part in two half-marathons and completed a full marathon. However, the downside was that running didn’t solve anything. I was merely running away from things that would eventually catch up with me.

When I decided to leave Austria, my entire life changed drastically. I spent two years living in different places and exploring new experiences. I deliberately sought to change everything around me constantly, except for myself.

I was still running away; I just didn't know from what monster.

Today, I find myself standing still.

I'm standing still, patiently waiting for the very monster I tried to escape to catch up with me. And when that time comes, I will boldly look it in the eyes and say, "Come and get me."

The monster in question?

"Settling down."

Once a fighter, I now sleep amidst a fortress of pillows

The pillow situation has become an ongoing joke between my partner and me. To provide some context: When we first met, I made it very clear that I absolutely don't need anybody or anything other than myself to find happiness - not even a pillow for a good night's sleep.

Today, I cherish the moments when he tenderly tucks me in, surrounded by a comforting fortress of pillows.

I've become a softie.

And I love it.

Throughout my entire adult life, I fought to be independent.

Today, I am.

But not because I finally won the fight. I stopped fighting altogether and instead embraced responsibility and self-accountability. This involves recognizing and accepting my weaknesses and limitations and being open to receiving help from others.

In the past, I'd rather suffer before giving the impression of being weak.

Just last week, a friend asked me if I'm someone who breaks easily. In the past, this question would have triggered a defensive response within me. How could a friend dare to perceive me that way? It would imply that I am inclined to break easily.

However, instead of entering a defensive stance, my initial reaction was that it was not a problem at all. I realized that I am currently living a life where I can allow myself to break, knowing that people will be there to lift me up.

I no longer fear the judgment of others.

I've changed.

I am no longer a fighter.

I have become a resilient lover instead.