#28 The Diabolical Duo: Always and Never

When it comes to relationships, communication is the lifeblood that nurtures love and understanding. However, there exists a notorious duo lurking in the shadows, capable of sabotaging even the most harmonious connections. They are none other than: Always and Never, two innocent words that will wreck your relationship when used carelessly.

In today’s article, I examine the destructive effects of these deceptive words and try to understand their inherent dishonesty. I will explain why I consciously eliminated Always and Never from my vocabulary and why it unlocked the door to authenticity.

Join me as I blow the cover of the diabolical duo Always and Never.

Definition

Before we delve into the difficulties that arise when using the words “always” and “never” let’s make sure we understand what they actually mean.

Always:

• every time or all the time

• forever

• at all times in the past (until now)

• again and again (many times), usually in an annoying way

I want to emphasize that the Cambridge Dictionary specifies that when “always” is used in the sense of “many times” and is followed by a verb ending in -ing, it suggests disapproval.

For example: You’re always complaining.

Never

• not at any time or not on any occasion
  

The Impossible Promises We Make

Always and Never appear to be innocent words that are often used to romanticize things. Who doesn’t like to hear “I will always love you” or “I will never leave you”?

But let’s think about it realistically. Can you truly love your partner, your child, or your family always? And is it genuinely possible to never leave someone? Moreover, would it even be healthy?

When I am in my funk during these special days of the month, I am not necessarily loveable. And I don't expect my partner to love me when I behave stupidly. We are all deeply flawed creatures, and we all have a side that nobody loves. Not even ourselves.

And that’s ok as long as we can accept that, from time to time, we are all irrational lunatics.

The Here and Now Matters

Rather than uttering phrases like "I will always love you" or "I will always be there for you," why not actively love and support in the present moment? A simple gesture to express love in the here and now holds greater value than a promise for the future.

And being there for someone matters the most when they genuinely require assistance. It's effortless to make promises when everything is going well, and things are falling into place, but what truly matters is showing up when you're needed.

Let your actions do the talking.

When purity morphs into malevolence

Things I have actually said:

1. You never take me seriously.

2. You are always avoiding my questions.

3. You never take my needs into consideration.

Every one of these sentences is fuelled by the pain of hurt feelings and the belief of standing with my back against the wall. If I look at these sentences, none of them are actually true. All of them are wrong accusations.

I said these things because I felt overwhelmed, and I didn’t know how to express my own feelings. I was angry and hurt and simply was seeking to place the blame on somebody else.

Translation: What I Actually Wanted To Say (and so do most women)

Prepare for an intriguing section ahead. And to my fabulous female readers, brace yourselves for potential disagreements, but remember, this is my blog, and, therefore, my personal reality.

Translation:

I can’t bring forth strong enough arguments to help you understand and value my perspective, and this frustrates me. There is something important to me, and it’s difficult to directly ask you for support or help.

Translation:

By asking you questions I’m actually asking for attention. Not receiving an answer from you becomes uncomfortable for me, as it leads me to believe that you have no interest in me.

Translation:

I have no clue what my needs are, but I want you to figure them out for me.

Solutions

1. Behave like someone who should be taken seriously.

Present compelling arguments, share your genuine feelings, and ask for help if necessary. We women do stupid stuff, like getting angry with him for bringing home the wrong yogurt. No man should take us seriously with that.

2. Admit your own insecurities and call the elephant in the room.

Communicate clearly. Address the obvious directly. Keep your sentences short. Give him time to think of (the right) answer.

3. Take responsibility and figure out what your needs are.

If you are able to clearly communicate your needs, I can assure you that your partner will genuinely consider them. Just be reasonable and realistic.

Conclusion

We made a pact to eliminate the words 'always' and 'never' from our relationship. We both recognize the destructive power these two words can hold, and we agreed to call each other out if they are used incorrectly.

Interestingly, on the rare occasions when one of these words slips through our lips, and the other person brings it to our attention, it serves as a recalibration of our minds. It reminds us to focus on the actual facts and brings us back to reality.

Looking back, I realize that Always and Never rarely contributed positively to our communication or relationship in the past. I'm grateful that we have eliminated this diabolical duo.

And perhaps you might consider giving it a try as well.